Friday, January 7, 2011

A Real Man’s Thoughts on Cosmo’s Dirty Sex Secrets

A Real Man’s Thoughts on Cosmo’s dirty sex secrets

I am willing to admit I read Cosmo.  I covet each issue.  I think it is interesting to see what women think about men, and what crazy man’s mind they pick to find out what guys want.  The other day, while being preoccupied in the bathroom, I flipped through this months issue dying to read the 60 sex tips.  Every month they have something else just as inane as this article, but they always give me a laugh just the same.

Number 49 suggests to women to put lube on their forearms and move them back and forth on the inner thighs of a man. 

As a man, I can picture this scenario and all I can think is “honey, I may call it my third leg, but lets move on to the middle.”

Number 13 suggest women wrap their hair around the man’s parts and pull the strands back over and over.

Married men should know better than this.  The days I have gone into work to find the blood in one of my toes almost cut off because of a hair that thought it was a tourniquet.  I also remember when my wife and I first started dating and her hair fell down below her butt.  I can picture my poor guy shrouded in a tomb of hair and how my wife would have to take a running jump into the next room to pull the strands completely away.

Number 33: while you’re out at dinner give your man a foot job under the table.

Does DHEC regulate this?  Excuse me sir but can I get you a fresh napkin?  This isn’t even physically possible.  Sit up straight in a chair, or even lean back, and work both of your feet like your doing reverse crunches without moving your upper body.  Can you do it?  I bet you can’t, and I also bet that after 30 good reps that half ass foot job will end.

Number 47 tells women to flutter her eyelashes not against Cool, but the gang.

Your eyelashes?  The same magazine reports that only 51% of men manscape, so would most men even notice a few thin eyelashes against something that has such coarse hair Brillo considers it their toughest competitor.  Do what you like I guess, but fluttering your eyelashes against a man's codrocks sounds like some nasty butterfly kisses.

My favorites, numbers 54 and 10 tells the woman to stick her mans part into her armpit, or the place where the boob meets ribs. 

Cosmo has been pushing the armpit as the possible fourth hole for a while.  I may just be old fashioned and have forgotten the dynamics of the whole process, but do you use a water based deodorant?  Raise your hand if your sure!

Get with it Cosmo.  I’m a man, and I’ll take whatever attention comes my way so I don’t doubt other men will go along with this bullshit.  Do you want to know what a man wants?  Ask him, I bet he has a few ideas that might be more fulfilling than a roll in the pit.

1 comment:

  1. OMG, I don't read Cosmo often because I refuse to pay for the damn thing, but I can't believe the stupid shit they publish. I feel soooo sorry for the poor blokes who have a girlfriend who religiously reads Cosmo. :(